Mission Impossible

The mission should you choose to take it is a simple one:

Accompany your mother to a doctor's appointment and drive her to an IKEA in a major metropolitan area. Things to consider before accepting this job are as follows:

1. Every route you will take will be under construction.


2. Your mother will not want to walk through the parking lot at the hospital because she is late.


3. She does not want to pay for valet parking.


4. You will be required to sit in a waiting room for an hour watching a myriad of sick people wander by.


5. Your only entertainment will be an oversized aquarium and your eleven old daughter who is listening to her new iPod.


6. After her appointment, your mother will want to eat lunch, delaying the trip to IKEA.


7. Your mother will ask you where you want to eat, knowing that there are only two places in town that she is willing to eat.


8. You will get to listen to your mother describe the many difficulties she has eating, including, but not limited to her inability to open her mouth more than a centimeter, her inability to digest dairy, and her restriction on salt intake.


9. Once you are on the interstate you will have to maintain a driving rate one mile below the posted speed limit.


10. Remember to keep a following distance of two to three car lengths.


11. Even if you are about to slam into the back of a suddenly breaking car, do not change lanes suddenly as this will cause your mother to have heart palpitations.


12. Upon arriving at IKEA, you will have to search for a shopping cart and explain how the store works.


13. Be prepared to look at every item the store has to offer, interpret price tags and help her follow the clearly marked arrows on the floor.


14. Even though you will be quite irritated by the time you reach the checkout counter, you will be required to hold your tongue.

Should you choose to abandon your mother at IKEA we will disavow any knowledge of your actions.

Your sanity will destruct in 5 seconds.