Let's Try This Again

I am not sure how many posts I have started that try to give an example of the craziness known as the thoughts that run through my mind. Let's try again, today.

This morning, I got up early like I usually do to meet my friends for my Saturday morning run. It was still dark out and no one in their right mind is up at this time on Saturdays. I have a new neighbor, and I noticed that the lights are on in their kitchen. However, I don't think anyone has moved in officially. I have seen the owner and her parents working on the yard and such, but no boxes have moved in yet. So I started thinking about all the things that probably needed to be done on her house, and that got me thinking about the things that need to be done on my house.

This led me to think about the honey-do list Bobby had before he passed away. Suddenly I was picturing the hole in the fence and felt sad that he will not be here to fix it. As I was winding my way to meet my friends, I found myself crying. What is wrong with me? How did seeing my neighbor's kitchen lights lead me all the way to mourning the loss of my future life with Bobby?

This happens all the time. I see the homeless man lying under the bridge (whom I have never given too much thought to except to be impressed with the wagon he pulls with his bicycle) and suddenly I am thinking: "Is he okay?" "What if he died?" "Who would know?" "Does he have family?" "OMG - How long was Bobby sitting in that park after he died?" "What if I hadn't called his brother to look for him?" "Would he still have died if I had made him come home that weekend instead of insisting that he stay at home with his kids?" I'm now driving down the highway crying about a homeless man I don't know.

Am I crazy? Do other people's brains work like mine? How do I stop this out of control spiral?

The Left Hand to My Right

I took one of those online quizzes on Facebook about which part of the brain I use the most. According to the test I use both halves equally. I posted the results and one of your former bosses and friends, J.S., responded with the comment about being left-handed and being his right mind. This made me laugh because you being left-handed used to make the same joke.

The conversation continued and led to JS sharing an article about engineering and art:

Popular belief is that the left hemisphere of the brain is for rational, analytical and logical thinking and the right hemisphere of the brain processes visual and audio logical stimuli, spatial manipulation, facial perception and artistic ability.

Oddly enough, you were the logical, rational one, but you could put things together like nobody's business. You never considered yourself artistic until I shared with you the art of Zentangle. You thought I was the creative, artistic one.

This started me thinking about how you and I complemented each other:

• When we walked together, I would stand to your right leaving our dominant hands free to write, use the phone, whatever.
• We were both musical. After all, that's how we met in high school. But you admitted that you were jealous of musicians who learned to feel music rather than just play notes on the page. I on the other hand, from a young age, was deeply moved by music. I was even found crying at age three in Macy's department store. My mother asked me why, and I said the music was so sad.
• You loved Classic Rock and some Heavy Metal while I kept my tastes centered around 80s Pop music. In high school, you could be found rocking out in the garage to Black Sabbath, AC/DC, Boston, Kansas, and the like. Meanwhile, I loved groups like Duran Duran, Toto, Men at Work, Genesis, Chicago. Our road trips found us listening to both and I learned to appreciate your music. Now, I often to turn to the classic rock station on the satellite radio. It often makes me cry.
• You appreciated that I had an eye for design. Whenever you moved to a new place, you asked me to help you arrange the furniture, pick out wall decorations, and accessories. I was amazed by how spatially inclined you were. There wasn't anything you couldn't put together. You drove a little Mazda 3. Many a time we stood in the Ikea parking lot trying to figure out just how we were going to get home a full-size bed frame, mattress, 4 x 4 Expedit, desk and kitchen paraphernalia. We always got it home.
• While math was your forté, I found writing to be my calling. But you sure did love books and poetry. I was scrolling through old emails looking for something of you to hang onto and found you had sent me many poems that you had found that spoke to both of our hearts.
• Speaking of books. You loved audiobooks. I thought this was weird until our first road trip together. We listened to a book about vampires (so not my genre) called The Passage. Then the sequel The Twelve. Then you got me started listening to Atlas Shrugged. Who would have known that you could get me to listen to a socio-political commentary in novel form. (I should probably listen to it again.) Your brother got me listening to more Sci-Fi. This makes me feel closer to you, too.

All this thinking about how you complemented me led me to create a page in the leather journal you bought for me for my birthday last year.

When this page was finished, my inclination was to send you a text about it. You would have given me lots of compliments and told me how you wished you could actually hold that hand. Today, however, it is I who wishes your hand was here to hold. IMYAITOY

Packing Lunches

You and I were a predictable couple. We woke at the same time every morning, texted good morning conversations until we could no longer procrastinate getting up, followed the same morning routines, griped about morning traffic idiots, texted each other throughout the day, came home every evening and packed our lunches for the next day.

I had a pink lunch cooler and you had a red one. Mine is much worse for wear, but yours stood the test of time.

When you drove home for visits, you would pack two coolers - the lunchbox and a mini Igloo. We learned how to save money while traveling by packing snacks, sandwiches and drinks. You loved my strange whole wheat sandwiches, apple slices, bananas and bean burritos. You fueled your nine-hour drives with bottled water and Dr. Pepper. You loved your Dr. Pepper. Even though you had given them up for Lent on more than one occasion and got on a water kick, you always came back to it.

Today, something made me look up at the top of the fridge where I saw your lunchbox. Immediately, a flood of memories came over me. I had a sudden realization, one that had not occurred to me before this moment: I will never get to make my strange whole wheat sandwiches for you again. I won't get to give you a hard time about Dr. Pepper. We won't wander through the grocery store together searching for the perfect balance of  healthy snacks vs. things you loved to eat like gummy bears and Butterfingers.

Will I be able to use your lunchbox as a replacement for my dilapidated one without having a meltdown? I'm not sure. How many little things am I going to find around the house that will bring me to tears, things I thought I had put out of sight? I find a greeting card, a piece of candy, a shower poof, deodorant, shampoo, mowing sneakers, some little piece of something that you left behind thinking you would be back for it again. The list is endless.

I'm not sure what the formula is for making pain go away. Instead, I think I will make a whole wheat sandwich.

1212

We always used to note when we saw 11:11 on the clock or 1111 in an address. It was our thing. It was something that Peggy had shared with me and I had shared with you. It was our way of letting each other know we were thinking of each other.

When you passed away, I noticed 1111 all the time. It was special but painful. However, little by little, I catch that time less and less. I might see 11:12 or 10:11, but never 11:11. It bothered me for a while, but then I began noticing something else. 12:12 or 1212.

This morning when I got up, these lyrics from an Anna Nalick song (Breathe) came to mind.

"Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So sing it if you understand,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe"

I then got up and went for a run.

When I run, my mind wanders all over the place. I hear song lyrics; I have "woulda, coulda, shoulda" conversations with myself; I complain about the branches on the sidewalk; I wonder why people don't bring in their stinky trashcans…it goes on and on.

On the last stretch of my run, I noticed the address 1212. It gave me a new perspective. 1111 was our thing, our time, our place. We will always have that time, but I am eventually going to have to move on - move forward in time, move forward to another place, a place where I can remember you fondly and without pain. I am naming that time and place 1212. I look forward to that time and place.

In the mean time, IMYAITOY (I miss you and I'm thinking of you.)

The Cardinal

Every morning on my walks, I see a cardinal. This morning he followed me for quite some time. Although I have my phone with me, I am never fast enough to capture a picture of him. However, it gives me a smile nonetheless. I looked up cardinals today and found this description:

The cardinal tells you that you can handle challenges, and to believe in yourself. It is important to be proud of yourself for your abilities or for the things you have achieved.

This is significant because, you used to tell me how proud you were of me and my accomplishments as a teacher and more importantly as a mother. You always made a point to remind me of everything that I have overcome these past 2 years. That is something I will miss about you.

Things you were proud of for me:

Having the gumption to get myself out of a difficult situation.
Driving a 20 foot moving van while towing the Le Sabre on a flatbed.
Being able to ask for help.
Taking a job that I didn't want so I could take care of my kids.
Getting the job I wanted.
Staying at that job even when it was challenging.
Learning to mow my own lawn.
My creativity.
Deciding that my health was important and wanting to do something about it.
Losing weight - even though you loved me how I was, you celebrated each little victory.
Each time I improved my running/walking time or went a little farther.
Each 5K I entered and completed.

There are so many more times I heard you say how proud you were of me, but those are the ones that stand out in my mind.

I love you. I miss you and I can't wait until the thought of you brings me more smiles than tears.

Things I Miss About You

It's 7 a.m. and by now I would have texted you "Good morning". It seems strange that two people who lived so far apart could become so integral in each other's lives, yet we did. I'm going to miss our morning wake up texts and end of the day Skype sessions. I will miss driving to work every morning with you letting me talk your ear off about traffic, the songs on the radio, my crazy students, the busy day that lay ahead. No longer will I get to count the number of sleeps until you came back Home.

I no longer enjoy tv. It is now just noise because I don't have you there to make running commentaries on instant message. Watching Diners, Drive-ins and Dives is less fun because it reminds me of all of the restaurants on our list that I will have to try without you... and I WILL be trying them without you. I know you would have wanted me to. 

Your brother recommended a whole bunch of audio books to listen to. I checked out your library and downloaded them all. I listened to one on the way home from your funeral. I could just imagine you laughing out loud at certain parts. Your laughter was one of my favorite things about you. You would throw your head back and sometimes laugh so hard your whole body would shake. The smile that lingered made me understand what a beautiful person you are. 

You never understood how a "beautiful girl like" me (your words,  not mine) could love someone like you. I had to often remind you that it wasn't nice to Yuck My Yum. Eventually you accepted that I loved you and adored your beautiful face, loving eyes and calm, patient demeanor. You never once raised your voice at me or my children even when I could be difficult. You brought out a side of me that learned to be patient. 

There are so many more things I will miss about you, but suffice it to say that like that crazy rose tattoo on your ankle that looked like an alien,  you left a permanent mark on my life and in my heart. And while this pain will slowly ease, the impact of your love will remain as a reminder that there are good guys out there, and I had the brief yet special privilege of having you in my life. 

I miss you Bobby. 

PS - Your daughter is taking me next month to finally get that tattoo we kept planning. I hope you like it.

(Note: Bobby passed away due to a blood clot to the heart after doing what he loved - mountain biking.)

Things Keep Changing

I started this blog almost six year ago. And, yes, it has been dormant for a bit. This is mostly because of Facebook.

Before Facebook, if my kids did something silly or interesting or if I felt I had something "profound" to say, I would post it on Blogger. Now, it is so quick and easy to share these ramblings as a status update. I am sure many bloggers feel the same way.

I do miss the process of blogging. I loved receiving the notifications that people have commented on the blog or looking at the stats to see how many times people have stopped in to see what quip I felt the needed to share with the world. Blogging has brought me many benefits, the greatest of which is the circle of friends I have "collected" over the years.

Way back when I blogged regularly, I would correlate music with my post. I would then share the background of the music that was playing with some little bit of my history. I did this using Playlist.com. Unfortunately, Playlist has changed and it is for this reason I find myself sharing post again.

Playlist has gone in the direction of online radio sites like Pandora. Instead of being able to embed a player that plays a specific song, it now wants you to choose a "channel." While I love Pandora, this is not why I used Playlist. It was fun to try and find just the right tune to accompany my words.

While I am sure there are other embeddable players out there, it took me so long to gather my list of songs that I don't think I can do it again. Even though Playlist was kind enough to archive my list for me, I would have to enter each song on the player to be able to have the same eclectic mix. So instead of doing this, I am going to just paste my list here to serve as a reminder of the musical journey on which I have taken my readers.

John Fogerty - Centerfield

The Lovin' Spoonful - Summer In The City

Paradise Boys - Summer Of Love

Cyrkle - Red Rubber Ball by C...

Jefferson Airplane - Embryonic Journey

Andrew Gold - Thank You For Being ...

John Mayer - Bold As Love

R.E.M. - It's The End Of The ...

The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping (...

Ace Of Base - The Sign

Silhouettes - Get A Job

The Last Goodnight - Pictures Of You

Daughtry - September

Lawrence Welk - Champagne Polka

The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name

Barbra Streisand - Don't Rain On My Parade

The Tokens - The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Nutcracker - Dance of the Sugar P...

The Foundations - Build Me Up Buttercup

The Happenings - See You In September

Neil Diamond - September Morn

The Platters - September Song

Canned Heat - On The Road Again

Willie Nelson - On The Road Again

Petula Clark - Downtown

Katrina - Walking On Sunshine ...

Every New Day - Walk Alone

Four friends - What's Going On

Josh Rouse - Quiet Town

Sly & The Family Stone - Hot Fun In The Summe...

Alice Cooper - School's Out

Nate Henricks - Selfish sparrow's ol...

Vitamin C - Graduation (Friends ...

Jim Brickman - Simple Things

Rockwell - Somebody's Watching ...

Brandi Carlile - The Story

Various Artists - Turn! Turn! Turn! (T...

Noah And The Whale - Rocks And Daggers

Akon - Dance like there' s ...

Taio Cruz - Dynamite

Cyndi Lauper - True Colors (Morel's...

Michael Jackson - Black Or White

Neil Diamond - Hello Again

Jewel - Hands

The Police - Message In A Bottle

Tears For Fears - Everybody Wants To R...

Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry Be Happy

Bob Marley & The Wai... - Three Little Birds

Vince Guaraldi Trio - Charlie Brown Theme

Prince - Purple Rain

The Zutons - 11 - Good Morning Go...

Various Artists - Good Morning, Good M...

Rosemary Clooney - Mambo Italiano

Tarrentella - Saturn (Tarrentella ...

Supertramp - Breakfast In America

Newsboys - Breakfast

Gnarls Barkley - Karaoke: Crazy (Minu...

The Avett Brothers - Head Full Of Doubt/R...

Primitive Radio Gods - Standing Outside A B...

Celtic Woman - Siúil A Rún (Walk My...

Tom Petty & The Hear... - The Waiting

David Guetta - Acapella

New Radicals - You Get What You Give

ABBA - Take A Chance On Me

Owl City - Fireflies

Creedence Clearwater... - Fortunate Son

Abba All Stars - Super Trouper

ABBA - Lay All Your Love On Me

Five For Fighting - The Riddle

Cat Stevens - If You Want To Sing ...

Average White Band - Pick Up The Pieces

Cyndi Lauper - Karaoke: Time After ...

Andy Williams - Music To Watch Girls By

Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues ...

Tiny Tim - Living In The Sunlig...

The Romantics - Karaoke: What I Like...

The New Rascals - It's A Beautiful Mor...

Duran Duran - One Of Those Days

BTO - Karaoke: Takin' Care...

John Mayer - Say

The Kinks - Tired Of Waiting For...

Alexi Murdoch - All My Days

Tom Petty - American Girl

U2 - Karaoke: I Still Hav...

Warren Zevon - Werewolves Of London

The Ultimate Kid Roc... - All Summer Long

LS - Sweet Home Alabama

Oran 'Juice' Jones - The Rain

Altered Images - Outro: Happy Birthday

Owl City - The Bird And The Worm

Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead Or Alive

Hawkwind - Hurry On Sundown

The Bangles - Manic Monday

Dead Or Alive - Brand New Lover

Simon & Garfunkel - The 59th Street Bridge

Bill Withers - Lovely Day

Oingo Boingo - Weird Science

Barenaked Ladies - If I Had a Million Dollars

Al Stewart - Time Passages

Bread - If

The Brady Bunch - It's A Sunshine Day

Dean Martin - That's Amore

Petula Clark - Color My World

Phil Coulter - Take Me Home

The Yardbirds - For Your Love - Original

Chilliwack - My Girl (Gone, Gone, Gone)

Barry Manilow - I Made It Through The Rain

The Killers - Human

Stevie Wonder - I Just Called To Say I Love You

Natalie Merchant - Kind And Generous

Ray Parker Jr. - I'm Free

Various Artists - Kiss From A Rose

Julie Meyer - Paint Your Picture

JJ Heller - Your Hands

Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner

Brian Littrell - Welcome Home (You)

Mika - Any Other World

ABBA - Our Last Summer

Michael Franti  - Sometimes 

Michael Franti  - Say Hey (I Love You)

Kiki Dee - I've Got The Music In Me.

Dave Matthews Band - Why I Am

Sting - If You Love Somebody...

Yaz - Don't Go 

Glen Campbell - Southern Nights (Live)

- Here Comes the Sun

JJ Heller - Oh Come Oh Come Emanuel

Three Dog Night - Karaoke: Black & White

Ohbijou - The Woods

Gene Kelly - Singing In The Rain

Willie Nelson - Picture In A Frame

August Rush Soundtrack - August's Rhapsody

The Style Council - My Ever Changing Moods

Randy Newman - You've Got A Friend in Me

Chicago - You're The Inspiration

Boy George - Karma Chameleon

I am not sure how much blogging I will be doing in the future, especially since I also lost my blog reader list when iGoogle went the way of the dodo, but I will leave the blog open in case one day I would like to do it again on a regular basis.

Thanks for letting me walk down memory lane.