Let's Try This Again

I am not sure how many posts I have started that try to give an example of the craziness known as the thoughts that run through my mind. Let's try again, today.

This morning, I got up early like I usually do to meet my friends for my Saturday morning run. It was still dark out and no one in their right mind is up at this time on Saturdays. I have a new neighbor, and I noticed that the lights are on in their kitchen. However, I don't think anyone has moved in officially. I have seen the owner and her parents working on the yard and such, but no boxes have moved in yet. So I started thinking about all the things that probably needed to be done on her house, and that got me thinking about the things that need to be done on my house.

This led me to think about the honey-do list Bobby had before he passed away. Suddenly I was picturing the hole in the fence and felt sad that he will not be here to fix it. As I was winding my way to meet my friends, I found myself crying. What is wrong with me? How did seeing my neighbor's kitchen lights lead me all the way to mourning the loss of my future life with Bobby?

This happens all the time. I see the homeless man lying under the bridge (whom I have never given too much thought to except to be impressed with the wagon he pulls with his bicycle) and suddenly I am thinking: "Is he okay?" "What if he died?" "Who would know?" "Does he have family?" "OMG - How long was Bobby sitting in that park after he died?" "What if I hadn't called his brother to look for him?" "Would he still have died if I had made him come home that weekend instead of insisting that he stay at home with his kids?" I'm now driving down the highway crying about a homeless man I don't know.

Am I crazy? Do other people's brains work like mine? How do I stop this out of control spiral?

Comments

Pamela King said…
Other people's brains work exactly like this. Exactly. Absolutely on point with the random flooding of thoughts that wend their way back to fear, foreboding, what-iffing, and loss. I'm glad you could write this morning. Keep writing. Write right through the pain.
August 9, 2014 at 1:49 PM
Marit said…
I agree with Pamela... all brains work that way I guess... I found myself crying this morning when a seagull flew by my balcony, crying like only seagulls can... thoughts and emotions are triggered by 'random things' like that. I wish I could come over to spend a day with you, talking and crying. I'm there in my thoughts now (although I don't even know how your house looks...) Hug from Holland dear one!
August 10, 2014 at 3:25 AM
MJ said…
I haven't gone through this experience yet. It will take time to go through the grieving process and it is such an individualized process. As I type this comment, I am reminded that there is a class on Big Picture Classes that you might find helpful at http://www.bigpictureclasses.com/heartache.php

Keep writing! We are here for you!
August 24, 2014 at 11:37 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I Love Tissue Paper

Image
If you saw my Discipline collage , you can tell I have a thing for tissue paper. I have used it make inchies and to paint mountain/sunset scenes. Now I am working on some ATCs . I have done some before using the same cardstock I am using this time. However, I am tired of this background and want to alter it some how, so here's where the process went. (Note: I did try it on some sample-sized pieces of cardstock first so you might see those pop in from shot to shot.) I began with a plain piece of cardstock (it is supposed to be green/yellow.) I lightly drew a line on the card. I then squeezed some glue onto the card (don't ask why it's blue...that's another story.) I used scrap piece of stock to spread the glue to get a perfectly straight edge. I laid the tissue paper onto the wet glue and pressed out the bubbles. (You could use a brayer, it gets messy.) I trimmed the excess tissue. (I have torn it before, too, for a different effect.) After the glue dried, I took the c...
Read more

Change of Plans & Calendar Journal Time

Image
Well, as a family we were all going to use the long weekend to trek down to Texas and rip out carpet and paint walls. Come to find out, Gary doesn't have Monday off so it would make a really bad turn around time. So...we decided to stay home and make plans to go another time. Meanwhile, all I can envision is the money pouring out of my already empty pockets into the mortgage and utilities for a house we aren't using. :-( Now, I will look for some free activities to do in the city for the Labor Day weekend. I have seen several advertised on tv. I hope the temperature stays cooler than yesterday (102F.) Yesterday I lazed around the house feeling a little sorry for myself wondering why I don't have a job yet. So I got out my sketchbook and calendar journal and fiddled around. I have been thinking about working on a set of note cards to sell at some local gift shop. They would look like some of these: I just want to unify the theme of them so they seem more like a set. ...
Read more

December Here! Time Keeps Marching On

Image
...whether I am ready or not. November was a busy month, so busy that I would forget to write on my calendar journal page. I fortunately was able to go back and fill in most of the days. Here is next month's calendar. If you would like to play along for December, head on over to The Kathryn Wheel to see what everyone else is doing. December should be okay. Come mid-month, I will add an extra hour a day to my workday. That's a good thing. At the same time, the kids will  be home for Christmas Break...(I'm sorry, Winter Break! What the heck?!) Well, we will celebrate Christmas nonetheless. I am looking at making a trip to Chicago to visit my aunt and hopefully my mother will go up there. The problem with Chicago in December is the weather. You never know what the roads and flights will be like. I have only been to Chicago twice I think. It would be nice to see a different part of the family. It's still up in the air. I still have to work on my Sketchbook Pr...
Read more