Be Happy Anyway

Be Happy Anyway
From Brave Girls Club

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Let's Try This Again

I am not sure how many posts I have started that try to give an example of the craziness known as the thoughts that run through my mind. Let's try again, today.

This morning, I got up early like I usually do to meet my friends for my Saturday morning run. It was still dark out and no one in their right mind is up at this time on Saturdays. I have a new neighbor, and I noticed that the lights are on in their kitchen. However, I don't think anyone has moved in officially. I have seen the owner and her parents working on the yard and such, but no boxes have moved in yet. So I started thinking about all the things that probably needed to be done on her house, and that got me thinking about the things that need to be done on my house.

This led me to think about the honey-do list Bobby had before he passed away. Suddenly I was picturing the hole in the fence and felt sad that he will not be here to fix it. As I was winding my way to meet my friends, I found myself crying. What is wrong with me? How did seeing my neighbor's kitchen lights lead me all the way to mourning the loss of my future life with Bobby?

This happens all the time. I see the homeless man lying under the bridge (whom I have never given too much thought to except to be impressed with the wagon he pulls with his bicycle) and suddenly I am thinking: "Is he okay?" "What if he died?" "Who would know?" "Does he have family?" "OMG - How long was Bobby sitting in that park after he died?" "What if I hadn't called his brother to look for him?" "Would he still have died if I had made him come home that weekend instead of insisting that he stay at home with his kids?" I'm now driving down the highway crying about a homeless man I don't know.

Am I crazy? Do other people's brains work like mine? How do I stop this out of control spiral?


Pamela King said...

Other people's brains work exactly like this. Exactly. Absolutely on point with the random flooding of thoughts that wend their way back to fear, foreboding, what-iffing, and loss. I'm glad you could write this morning. Keep writing. Write right through the pain.

Marit said...

I agree with Pamela... all brains work that way I guess... I found myself crying this morning when a seagull flew by my balcony, crying like only seagulls can... thoughts and emotions are triggered by 'random things' like that. I wish I could come over to spend a day with you, talking and crying. I'm there in my thoughts now (although I don't even know how your house looks...) Hug from Holland dear one!

MJ said...

I haven't gone through this experience yet. It will take time to go through the grieving process and it is such an individualized process. As I type this comment, I am reminded that there is a class on Big Picture Classes that you might find helpful at

Keep writing! We are here for you!

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